I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
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