he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
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