I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
You are the jesus of drinking
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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