so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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