Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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