im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
