D3 body, D1 cock
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
