if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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