Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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