You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
