Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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