He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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