I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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