I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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