You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
