i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
