So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
