who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
you would pick up someone in the library
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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