This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Is Oprah even human
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
