no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
My ass is underappreciated
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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