i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
