Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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