the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Randomize
