I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
