If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
