Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
You are a genius and a whore.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
