I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Randomize
