i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
