He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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