When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
