I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
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