I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize