Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
