Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Randomize
