I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Randomize
