I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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