There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
