We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
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