were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
