Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize