i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
