Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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