Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize