Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
