when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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