Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
