theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Randomize
