he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
