Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
