You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize