I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
