I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Randomize
