I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
