i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Rumble strips road head = magical
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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