That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
