my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
