My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
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