i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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