For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
drinking out of a sandbucket again
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
