She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
