She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Randomize
