I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
