Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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