11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
