I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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