My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
