I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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