I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
