In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
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