I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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