i just wanna soil my oats bro
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Randomize
