I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
