I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize